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Frozen Shadows Thawing

March 16, 2011

I am going to be OK. It doesn’t seem that way right now. You see, I have a difficult time with transitions like graduation and new jobs, new locations, new friends. I scream and cry inside, wailing about the tragedies that will befall me, all made up by my frightened inner child. Drama here and there, I busily make up dire consequences and stay frozen in time, comfortable but surely dying.

The Universe has been trying to give me love and I’ve been refusing it, routinely and rigidly. I always knew deep down inside, that I was refusing love, but somehow, through the ego’s illusions, I could not access the thought processes and feelings leading to this dilemma. It hasn’t been until the last couple of weeks that I experienced enough pain to find the part of me (inner child) that long ago closed the door on love.

I have been living a marginalized existence, unhappy and aloof, and blaming everybody but myself. I have found the patterns, negative spirals of anger, gloom, paranoia, and delusions which I have repressed. The congested clouds are beginning to break up. I have been so disconnected from my inner most parts that all I could do was look inside, perplexed and impotent.

When it comes down to the real truth, I have been afraid of myself, my shadow side and this is the aspect which I have been challenging. I have been facing the ‘dark night of the soul’. This stuff is not fun and I haven’t gotten here of my own accord. A benevolent Universe is assisting. I can either resist in pain, or surrender gracefully. It is I, alone, who has caused my greatest harm. I say, ‘enough is enough’.

No matter how bad it gets, I can always forgive myselves, the part that rages and blocks and threatens; the part that disconnected and disowned the aforementioned aspect. Surrendering to what is, is the only choice left. Loving myself no matter what IS the only way. There is no one else that can do the work for me. I can yell and scream ‘help’, but until I take responsibility for my own actions and reactions, I am lost in illusions.

It’s like when Neo surrenders to the computer program in the 2nd Matrix movie. In giving up his life, he lives. The same process occurs when retrieving long lost shadow sides, traumatized inner children, and transcending the ego personality. Rescue comes through surrender. It’s gratifying to finally be all here and aware. I have paid a heavy price: unhappiness, discomfort, stagnancy, debilitating loneliness, and only minimally allowing fun activities. Isolated on an island of my own making, miserable in life, a burden to my kids, this is a trip that I do not recommend.

Yet, I know that someday, the gifts will seem sweet and worth the high price. I am reconnecting to life, reconnecting to myself, reconnecting to appreciation and compassion. There are legitimate reasons why I am here and not where I want to be. Gentility, kindness, humility, truth, admitting failures, these are all earned assets through suffering. I can now see the thread of love that I rejected. In every situation, there was a path of love. Every moment held a solution. I am beginning to witness the workings of the Universe. Seeing with more clarity, the Universe has always answered. I was too busy getting in the way of love instead of accepting it.

My most treasured gifts are no longer material, but I now understand that hearts are revealed through action and material manifestations. So when you see me in the hallways, remember what I have to do and remind me. Someday soon, I will talk about having fun.

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One Comment
  1. Mak permalink

    The time for fun is now!

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