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on the outskirts

April 7, 2010

Sitting by the creek yesterday with Abby, it all came pouring in. I haven’t been understanding how these difficult life circumstances came to be and, finally, comprehension just drifted in like the water flowing below. Grateful to be here now, I haven’t always been grateful for the gift of life but chose to close down amidst chaos, abandonment, and confusion. I then became a pillar of stone, rigidly stuck. Flailing against life instead of flowing with love, I thwarted the natural processes of growth. My little heart sank like a stone.

I knew that I was recovering from some sort of addictive process, but wasn’t sure exactly what the addiction was or how it came to be. The only way to discover these things is to purposefully engage the process. The unconscious mind runs life from the background so when unpleasant things happen, I don’t understand why, or how, or what will happen next, or how I will get through the challenges. I went to the beach, not knowing why so I wrote a book. I’m in temporary living quarters one step above homelessness right now. Maybe it’s to recover from addictive thought processes, the normal dream of life included.

In standing up to the matrix, I also stand up to myself. Life circumstances which seem out of control only serve to reveal the inner chaos which can be relieved and released to uncover the lies that were accepted long ago. Connection and communion with the true self starts with connection and communion with all of the personality parts. I was abandoned as a child and so abandoned the inner child. Unknowingly, with each passing year, delinquency manifested and magnified increasingly difficult outer circumstances which simply are a reflection of this abandonment.

I am responsible whether I acknowledge this responsibility or not. We are all simply fragments of the true self and for this we bear a sacred responsibility which has consequences in the real world of the here and now. I don’t know how I will make it through the difficult circumstances this time, but I do acknowledge a profound understanding of why this is happening. And so it is.

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